Hail to the king�
I am the KING of no pants! It is so incredibly hot here that I have decided to forsake much of my clothing for� well the absence of it. Okay, I�m not entirely nekkid, I�m wearing gym shorts and a watch, and I�m staying in my room. That seems reasonable doesn’t it? I wouldn�t want to cause mass panic.
The saddest thing as that this is still April and the hottest most humid days are still ahead of us. Or maybe another 6 inches of snow, you never can tell. I think that the heat and wind has eroded my brain. Excuse me while I slip into gibberish�
Just today I met a little gnome, he was nice enough fella. I was lounging around on my couch watching some �Screen Savers� on good �ol TechTV when I noticed something moving in the corner of the room. Thinking that a rodent had decided to inhabit the pile of socks and empty Mountain Dew cans that has been growing over there for a couple weeks now, I threw a shoe at it and was astonished to hear a loud squeak of indignation. Muttering some incomprehensible curses under it�s breath a 5 inch tall man ran across the room and jumped on my chest threatening me with his outstretched finger. To be sure I was surprised, I hadn�t had a gnome jump on me since� well, come to think of it this had never happened before. Standing up would have tumbled the lil� guy onto the floor so I decided to wait it out and see what he had to say. Besides I was comfortable on the couch and didn�t really feel like moving. I did, however, make a mental note to throw out the remainder of the cold breakfast burritos which I had just sampled, hallucinogenics were not listed in the nutrition facts.
�Why, sonny boy do ya feel like ya do be having to disturb an innocent old gnome just going about his business.�
With a thoroughly confused look on my face I attempted to focus on this little bearded menace that was acting so confident when confronted by the ginormous creature that I must have appeared to him. �Why are you in my room, and more importantly: are you even real.�
Rolling his eyes with disgust the gnome, that I came to know as Rupert, decided to elaborate on the reason for his presence in my humble abode.
�Do you not know that I am a pen gnome?�
�A pen gnome��
�Yes, I do be one of those noble breed of gnome that has been entrusted with the age old duty of gathering the annual pen harvest.�
Unsure of what to say to this miniature apparition, I decided to remain silent and let him continue his tirade.
�We pen gnomes do be the most honorable of all the small-object-gathering-gnomes. Our purpose in life is to collect as many pens as we can for the harvest.�
Reacting in the only way I knew how I just stared and dropped my jaw.
�I do think you be in need of a breath mint sonny. You would do well to treat a gnome of my stature with a mite more respect than you have displayed thus far.�
I managed to mumble some sort of apology, and asked �why do you collect pens?�
�Well we gather them and exchange them for precious toppings. Cheese, sunflower seeds, croutons, and the most precious material in all the world, bacon bits.�
�And who exactly would exchange bacon bits for these pens?�
Well Bic of course, and sharpie, and all the pen companies pay top crouton for the pens that we gather.�
The sick scheme slowly formed in my heat addled mind. Apperantly the gnomes were payed to abscond with pens from anyone and everyone in order to keep the market of pens from being saturated. Pen companies have long since filled pens with nearly inexhaustible ink supplies so the easiest way to continue to make a profits was to have gnomes steal the pens whenever possible. The pens were returned to Bic, or whoever was willing to pay the price could continually resell pens to the unsuspecting public.
Rupert the gnome was kind enough to enlighten me to this despotic scheme and filled in the holes in my theory about the sick cycle of the selling and stealing of writing utensils.
Now the only question that remains is what I will do with this knowledge. They say that knowledge is power, then again they also say �everyone wang chung tonight�. I feel as if there is a great decision before me, a veritable fork in the road of my life. Will I choose to take the road less traveled, for the freedom to choose that path is the only real freedom that a man can long after. Often destiny and fate conspire to force a man on a path that is not of his choosing. Destiny forges heroes from the least suspecting of individuals, those that feel least qualified are those who are most deserving of the burden of greatness. For power is the truest test of a mans character. With great power comes great responsibility. To me it seems as if my role as scribe in this medium of the web is to serve as a profound pundit. You are all now dumber for having listened to me.